life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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