My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
