remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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