Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
