i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
