Say something about gay babies.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Randomize
