My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
