By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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