Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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