A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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