I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
