The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Houston, we have a squirter
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
