Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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