Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
