I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
