At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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