I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
