is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
