life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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