I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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