but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
