I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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