Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
