Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
