i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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