Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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