So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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