when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
