I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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