We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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