Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
