Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
