i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
