im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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