I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
