i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
