Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
