I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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