I wish I only lived at night.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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