I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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