well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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