Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
