Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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