He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
