Who wears a wallet chain?!
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
