Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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