genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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