I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
