I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
a search helicopter?!
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
