when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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