Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
