i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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