if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
